Instant Coffee
by windlily
Summary: Hitsugaya and Matsumoto are sent on an infiltration mission to a prestigious high school in order to find the origin of an unexplained reiatsu leak. Hitsugaya's in denial. Matsumoto's the happiest shinigami on earth. Where else but Ouran?
1. Chapter 1

_And so she called it _Instant Coffee_. And she saw that it was good._

* * *

Alrighty. This is not going to be anything big. It's not going to have any sort of update schedule. It's just going to be a little nonsense story to update whenever I feel the need to take a break from life and write strange humor.

Crack Major Stress Reliever.

Yes. It is, indeed, a crossover fic. Tenth Division meets the Ouran High Host Club. –cackles maniacally-

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach _or_ Ouran. Woe is me.

* * *

**Prologue**

Taste the Irony; It's Addicting

* * *

Hitsugaya Toushirou trotted grudgingly along the narrow sidewalk, his buxom fukutaichou in tow. And as said fukutaichou buried herself deeper within her specially issued overcoat, she noticed something about him.

He was _not_ happy.

Well, he was rarely ever happy, but something about the ever-dropping, frigid temperature that had, against all laws of nature, limited itself to a surrounding two meter radius seemed to announce that he was in a bad mood even according to his personal standards. And the fact that his icy wrath was limited to precisely the amount of meters that separated the two shinigami, it was clear who had brought about this foul mood.

"Taichou, are you really that mad at me?"

Hitsugaya whirled around, holding up a single finger as close to her eye level as he could manage. "One week's worth, Matsumoto," he snarled. "You sold me to avoid a mere _one week's worth_ of paperwork."

"How can you say it like that?!" Matsumoto whined. "It's sounds so cruel that way!"

"That's because it _is_ cruel."

"But that's really not what happened! I swear!" the Tenth Division fukutaichou insisted. "Ukitake-taichou just happened to be passing by, and he said that he wished he had something to take his mind off of things for a while. So I told him he could do my paperwork, but then he said that he had to find someone who was willing to take a mission down on earth first and by the time he was finished with that he'd probably be too tired to do any paperwork at all. And so I told him not to worry about it because if he really needed us to, we could take the mission! He was so happy … I just couldn't refuse when he offered to do a whole week's worth!"

"Matsumoto…" her taichou folded his arms across his chest, quirking a single brow in annoyance. "That is a load of bull."

"How can you still be so cold, Taichou?! I was just worried about you! You never do anything but work, work, work, cooped up in that stuffy office all day long! I don't want my cute, little taichou to rot away before he even hits puberty!"

"Even after all this time," the younger of the two shinigami sighed as he turned back around, ignoring Matsumoto, "they still think I'm incompetent. They want me out of the way enough that they've gained the nerve to issue a pathetic mission like this. They still don't think I can handle myself."

"That's not it!" Matsumoto seized Hitsugaya's shoulders. "That's not the reason they're trying to get rid of you at all!"

"So you're agreeing they want to get rid of me…" A single vein pulsed obnoxiously in his forehead.

"It's probably something very simple and caring," she began, wagging her finger at him. "Something like they want to have a huge cocktail party, but they didn't want you to feel left out because you don't drink."

"That's…!" Hitsugaya began indignantly, but hesitated, feeling himself going limp as his overactive imagination offered him a picture of the Gotei 13 division heads sipping cocktails together at a bar, "… entirely plausible."

"See? What did I tell you?" his fukutaichou grinned.

"Well, I suppose it doesn't matter what the reason is as long as we can get things done as soon as possible. Hopefully, we'll be back in Soul Society before week's end."

"So … what _are_ we doing anyway?"

"It's entirely your fault that we're in this mess, and you didn't even bother to pay attention during the briefing?" Hitsugaya's strained voice barely managed.

"Of course not, Taichou! Why should _I_ pay attention when I know _you're_ paying attention?" Matsumoto replied in all seriousness.

Hitsugaya released a heavy sigh, cradling his forehead in his hand. "Then you had better pay attention _this_ time because I won't explain it to you again."

* * *

"Yamamoto-soutaichou, Hitsugaya-taichou and Matsumoto-fukutaichou of the Tenth Division have come as requested," the quiet third seat of the First Division bowed the two shinigami into the otherwise empty meeting hall. The Soutaichou acknowledged their entrance with a dignified nod before waving his hand to dismiss her.

"Hitsugaya," the old man addressed the young taichou who curtly came to attention. "You have volunteered to lead this expedition to the living world, correct?"

The white crowned boy had to grind his teeth together to keep himself from saying anything inappropriate. He felt his fukutaichou cringe behind him. "Yes."

"Have you been informed of the mission parameters of yet?"

"No. I agreed after hearing only that the Thirteenth Division was currently understaffed and Ukitake-taichou was having trouble recruiting anyone."

"Very well," the old man sighed. "Two weeks ago, three Thirteenth Division scouts reported an unnatural surge of reiatsu during one of their patrols. They conducted a standard investigation with little results. Just as they were ready to write it off, one of the seated officers reported that the phenomenon had restated itself. That was two days ago. The fact that these reiatsu bursts are repetitive is evidence that they are not mere malfunction but are being released by a specific origin. Most likely a human.

"You're mission shall be one of infiltration, which you have had experience with in the past. You will be posing as students attending a renowned Japanese school, specifically the high school section. Your tuition shall be paid, and registration is in progress as we speak. Discover the origin of the reiatsu as soon as possible.

"There is no need to tell you what could happen if you do not."

* * *

"A beautiful, distinguished school all for rich kids! It's going to be so much better than Kurosaki's pathetic excuse for a high school!" Matsumoto reveled gleefully. "I can't wait! Gardens, gossip, _uniforms_!"

"Oi, oi. Don't get ahead of yourself," her taichou grumbled. "Because they enrolled us in Class A the tuition is so expensive that we'll be living in a ratty, two-star hotel room as long as we're here."

Matsumoto was slightly disheartened by this development, but she quickly recovered. "That's okay! That means I get to sleep in the same bed as Taichou!" Hitsugaya shivered. "Oh yeah! What did you say the school was called again?"

Hitsugaya stopped and she halted directly behind him, forgetting the cold, forgetting the hotel room, forgetting everything but the sight before her. She stared numbly through an elaborate gateway and on to the extravagant campus beyond. If she hadn't known better, she'd have compared its size to Seireitei. The decorations far outclassed anything she had ever seen, and that really meant something coming from someone who had seen the Kuchiki mansion.

"Ouran…" the small taichou quoted as Matsumoto stared on.

"Sounds pretty boring to me."


	2. Chapter 2

Alright. Just in case you didn't get it the first time, this is a crack fic. Crack situations, crack character interaction, and crack ... well, crack.

So as long as you keep that in mind, do enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter One**

Hello Friend; Never Speak to Me Again

* * *

"Ne, Haruhi!"

Fujioka Haruhi might have jumped ten feet into the air in her surprise several months ago, but by now she had become so thoroughly desensitized to the twins' antics that when the two of them suddenly appeared behind her and shouted in her ears she merely turned around with a sigh. "If you two keep doing that, I'm going to go deaf before I can graduate…."

She trailed off however, when she saw their devious expressions. "Did something happen?" she asked before adding as an after thought, "Did Tamaki-senpai do something?"

"Nope," Hikaru and Kaoru chimed in unison. "Something better."

Lifting his pointer finger for emphasis, Kaoru began, "We're getting a new transfer student today-"

"-and we're planning on giving him a big, Hitachiin-style welcome!" Hikaru concluded, raising an identical finger.

Haruhi looked over the smirking twins contemplatively before cocking her head and smiling in that way she so often did. "You two really are growing."

A simultaneous blush followed as the two soaked in exactly what those words meant. Not long ago they would have ignored something like this, kicked it from their isolated world before it could even enter. But they supposed after meeting Haruhi, they had learned just how much fun turning random strangers into their own personal toys could really be. The blush was immediately extinguished though, when their fellow student added, "Just don't kill him, okay?"

The twins exchanged a mischievous glance before turning back to Haruhi. "So anything short of that is fair game?" Hikaru snickered, leaning in close.

"We could even, say, do _this_?" Kaoru mirrored his brother and nibbled lightly on the very tip of her ear, Hikaru making his way toward her mouth.

Haruhi jammed her finger in between their lips. "I don't think he'd appreciate it very much," she drawled.

"That's never stopped us before!" they exalted just as the professor stepped into the room.

Conversations simmered down into quiet, frantic whispers. And with Hikaru and Kaoru finally out of her face, she was able to hear them. Not that she was all that interested.

"Have you seen the transfer yet? Momoko said he was _adorable_! I can't wait!"

"I heard he was foreign, like from America or something! I bet he's really tall and handsome, ne?"

"Kaitou-kun said he had this gorgeous girl with him! _Definitely_ American! He must be amazing!"

Haruhi frowned. When she thought about it, he actually sounded a little like … the Host Club boys. _Great. Just what she needed. _More_ of them._

"Now, Class," the bespectacled professor began, "as most of you have already heard, a new student will be transferring to this class. Transfers such as this are very rare, so I ask you all to treat him as you would any of your other friends in the class." Hikaru and Kaoru winked at each other over Haruhi's unhappy pout.

The professor nodded to the door, and it opened to reveal a white haired boy in the school uniform. His posture was tense, unwilling, and his piercing, teal eyes seemed to scan the class as if he were looking through the sights of a rifle. But none of this was really registering.

"Class, this is Hitsugaya Toushirou. Please treat him kindly."

Utter and complete silence reigned for an entire sixty seconds. A possible record.

_He was almost as small as Honey-senpai!_

Then, as if on cue, the twins stood up, walked to the front of the room, crouched down on either side of the transfer student, and kissed each of his cheeks.

"How was _that_, Haruhi?"

Haruhi promptly slid under the desk.

* * *

Matsumoto wished she could keep an eye on her taichou during classes, but the difference in their heights and ages made it rather hard to stick them in the same grade, as they had learned in Karakura. This way, her taichou had insisted, they would also be able to cover more ground and analyze more students at a quicker pace. And so she was currently standing in front of Class 3A and curtseying, milking the moment for all it was worth.

The uniform didn't quite suit her, but it was cute so she didn't complain. She hadn't worn yellow in ages, and something about the adorable ruffles kept her from mentioning that it was far too tight in certain, very noticeable areas.

"Class, this is Miss Matsumoto Rangiku. I trust you will all help her to understand and assimilate into the school culture. Matsumoto, you may sit in the seat next to Haninozuka."

Rangiku blinked at the tiny boy waving his arms frantically at her. Slowly, she walked down the aisle and sat down next to him. When she finally recovered from the shock of seeing what appeared to be a male Yachiru, she tried to speak only to be silenced when he placed his finger in front of his lips and began an intense search of his book bag. What he pulled out made her want to jump for joy.

Cake. Glorious, glorious cake the likes of which she had not consumed since she had left Orihime's!

The boy's smile widened at her obvious enthusiasm as he handed it over to her. "Welcome to Ouran, Ran-chan! I hope you like it lots!" he whispered in what was possibly the cutest, most childish voice she had ever heard.

She could no longer resist her primal urges. Matsumoto grabbed the tiny senior roughly by his shoulders, pulling him right out of his chair and into a giant hug. "You're like a _cute_ version of Taichou!" she joyfully squealed.

"Tai…chou…?" the kid barely managed before the professor tossed an eraser at Rangiku's head.

"Don't disrupt the class!"

The eraser had unexpected results however. In her moment of ecstasy, Matsumoto had forgotten about the cake, and her hasty movements to dodge the projectile landed the expensive dessert all over her expensive uniform.

The professor was dumbfounded, unsure of where the cake had come from at all, but he handled the situation rather well considering. "Matsumoto … do you have a replacement uniform on hand?"

"Not really…" she whimpered, looking down at the beautiful food she had missed out on eating. Even she was surprised that she had landed herself in trouble so quickly.

"Don't worry!" Haninozuka interrupted cheerily. "I know someone you can borrow from!"

* * *

Hitsugaya sighed as he stretched a stiff shoulder. His first impression of Ouran, contrary to what he had earlier believed, had been far from boring. It had been unspeakably worse. He would have preferred to listen in on one of Kurotsuchi-taichou's experiment lectures. In fact, he felt as if he had just been the experiment in one of Kurotsuchi-taichou's experiment lectures.

But the first day was now over, and he was waiting for Matsumoto to come and report. Now was time for them to truly get down to business. Finally, he could get some _real_ work do-.

"There he is!"

Hitsugaya turned around to see a group of at least fifteen girls heading straight toward him. His first instinct was to shunpo down the opposite hallway, but he knew it was already too late. He was surrounded on all sides.

"What amazing white hair! Are you foreign?! Did you dye it?!"

"I heard that Hikaru and Kaoru _kissed_ you! How did it feel?!"

"Isn't it so romantic?! First Kasanoda-san, now this! I wonder if the twins will fight over you!"

"How can you say such a thing?" came an overly-dramatic, disturbingly familiar voice that immediately took Hitsugaya's attention away from the amassing crowd. "To think there was a single person in the entire world that thought I could ever share Kaoru with anyone!"

"Oh, Hikaru," began the sentimental reply. "You're so selfish. But that's what I've always loved about you."

Hitsugaya's eyes widened and his expression contorted into one of utter and complete hatred. "You!"

Hikaru and Kaoru looked down past the swooning fangirls to see a single, fuming tuft of white hair. Slowly, they turned to each other.

"Uh oh."


	3. Chapter 3

Now, I'm sorry to say, but everyone who has been patiently waiting for Hitsugaya's revenge will have to wait a little longer. After all, Hitsugaya's too smart to do anything while they're still expecting it.

* * *

**Chapter Two**

Mystery Potluck; No Cannibalism Allowed

* * *

Suou Tamaki paced frantically back and forth from one end of the Third Music Room to the other. Kyouya, after having dealt with him for so long, however, was entirely unaffected by his companion's fretting.

"Was it something I did? Something I said? Was I so insensitive that I didn't even realize I did or said something? Or … did they get kidnapped?! For real this time?! Spirited away by forces unknown! Why? Why?! Kyouya!" he wailed, finally turning to his fellow second year, tears spewing from his eyes. _"Why is everybody late?!"_

Ootori Kyouya sighed, adjusting his glasses. "Calm down. Most likely, everyone's tardiness is merely a byproduct of the commotion outside the door."

Tamaki's eyes widened. "Commotion? What commotion?"

Before Kyouya could glare at him for not noticing the tumultuous noise coming from the other side of that door, however, Haruhi rushed inside and collapsed in a heavily-breathing heap. Searching the room warily, she frowned. "Where are Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai?" she asked.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki exalted, arms outstretched as he ran for her. She stepped to the side, leaving the Host Club King with nothing to embrace but air.

"Hikaru and Kaoru are also conspicuously absent," Kyouya added.

"Oh, well, I know the reason for _that_."

"Haruhi!" Tamaki hastily recovered. "If you know the reason, kindly tell us!"

Haruhi shrugged and, once she had completely regained her breath, opened the door wide. The sight that met them was one Tamaki would not soon forget. A huge crowd had gathered outside the room, a crowd now consisting of both genders. Tamaki pushed his way through, Kyouya and Haruhi right behind, until he could see who was at the center of it all.

Hikaru and Kaoru.

Laughing their hearts out.

At a midget with white hair.

Held back by five other boys.

Screaming death threats at them.

"Hikaru! Kaoru! What is the meaning of this?"

The twins stopped laughing at the sound of Tamaki's voice. Neither he nor Kyouya looked very happy. They didn't care very much about upsetting the King; they did that on a daily basis. But Kyouya was another matter.

"They scarred the new transfer student for life," Haruhi replied for them.

"Huh?"

But before anyone could elaborate, a familiar voice boomed down the corridor. "Tama-chan! Haru-chan! Sorry we're late! Ito-sensei asked us to give the new transfer student a tour of the school!" Honey shouted as he and Mori appeared, the smaller jumping down from Mori's back to attach himself to Haruhi's arm.

Everyone looked from Honey to the still-restrained transfer student. "But, Honey-senpai, the transfer's right here," Haruhi managed.

"Nuh-uh, not him," Honey insisted. "_Her_."

The entire Host Club followed his pointing finger to an approaching girl. She was tall and beautiful, with long maple-golden hair and pale, gray-blue eyes. And she was wearing the boy's uniform.

"About time," the white haired freshman spoke up, yanking himself easily from the many boys' grips and composing himself once more. "You're late."

"I'm sorry, Taichou!" the cross-dressing senior exclaimed as soon as she saw him. "I was on a tour of the campus! I still can't believe it's so huge! Oh!" she added, just noticing the crowd. "Who are your new friends?"

In a delayed reaction, the twins grabbed Haruhi, Tamaki grabbed Kyouya, and the five of them began a mad dash back behind the safety of the Third Music Room's double doors. After all, a girl like that meant one thing and one thing only: "Zuka Club!"

"What … was that?" Matsumoto blinked.

"Just a bit of mistaken identity," Honey giggled. "Let's go check up on them, Takashi. Will you two be okay out here?"

"Just fine," she grinned, waving as the two followed behind their friends.

* * *

In order from top to bottom: Honey, Mori, Tamaki, Kaoru, Hikaru, and Haruhi peeked out of a crack in the large doorway. Now that they were (fairly) sure that Matsumoto Rangiku wasn't from Lobelia Girl's Academy and therefore not a member of the Zuka Club, they were not quite as worried about Haruhi's safety.

The girl's back was to them so they couldn't see her expression, but the midget, or Hitsugaya Toushirou as Haruhi insisted, was looking rather exasperated. "Matsumoto, you _did_ come to school in the girl's uniform, did you not?"

"Of course, Taichou! I'm borrowing this one from Mori-kun. That's why it's so baggy. I got cake all over mine."

"_Cake?_" Hitsugaya barely managed to spit out. "You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know. I thought I told you we need to be inconspicuous here. And yet, here it is, the first day, and you're already walking around like a giant, neon sign!"

"_You're_ scolding _me_ about conspicuousness, _playboy-taichou_?" she leered wickedly, leaning down to kiss him on the cheek.

His entire face flushed deep crimson. "I … I … I'll kill the bastards!"

He really would have charged right after them then and there had she not held him back. "Don't sweat it, Taichou! I was only teasing. I promise I'll do my best to be less conspicuous from now on, okay?"

Hitsugaya sighed. He doubted murder was condoned in any high school, even this one. "Fine. You said they gave you a tour. Were there any points of interest that could aid with the mission?"

Matsumoto giggled, ruffling his hair much to his obvious chagrin. "I'll show you!" She grabbed his wrist, turned, and, for the first time since they had bolted, the Host Club could see her front side. For just a second, until she dragged a struggling Toushirou out of sight, Tamaki, Hikaru, and Kaoru gaped.

Tamaki didn't even bother turning around as he snapped his fingers. "Kyouya!"

The Shadow King smirked. "Already done." The rest of the club left the door to gather around Kyouya's laptop. "Matsumoto Rangiku, class 3A. She transferred to Ouran just today. She passed the exams with flying colors. The school has absolutely no prior history before she registered."

"But I don't know any big families like that. She couldn't be foreign, could she?" Kaoru mused.

"Of course she's foreign!" Tamaki practically screamed. "Are you blind?"

"But her name's Japanese," Hikaru defended his brother.

"What about Toushirou?" Haruhi asked Kyouya, ignoring the others.

"There is virtually no difference between the two files. And the Ootori family has never done business with either of them."

The entire Host Club blanched. Someone at Ouran that the Ootori family had never interacted with?! It was impossible! Unthinkable! Apocalyptic, even!

"Maybe," Haruhi ventured, the epitome of seriousness, "they won the lottery."

Kyouya slammed the laptop closed. "They are both in Class A, which means not only can they afford to come here, but they are also considered to be of the highest pedigree."

"So they won the lottery … a lot?"

"I demand this conversation cease and desist immediately," Tamaki called out over the voices of the others, sounding for all the world like the regal prince so many thought him to be. "Such a woman, no matter what brutal, commotion-starting elementary school students she chooses to keep as her company, deserves to be shown respect!"

"But, milord, you're the one who started it."

"And he's not in elementary."

Tamaki whirled around to face the twins, his confused expression negating any weight his earlier princeliness may have held. "Eh?"

"Weren't you paying attention at all?" Haruhi attempted to set things straight. "He was wearing the high school uniform. He's the new transfer student I was talking about. He's in my class."

Tamaki was silent for all of ten seconds as the words slowly soaked in. The twins, grinning to each other, counted down.

"Three. Two. One."

_"WHAT?!"_

* * *

"Ah-choo!"

"Taichou, are you cold?"

"No, I'm fine," Hitsugaya huffed, looking out at the gorgeous view before him. "But I do have to wonder…" he added, turning back to face his fukutaichou as she submersed her bare feet in the water, "what in all the worlds was going through your head when you decided that a pool located on the roof of a school building was of any relevance whatsoever to our mission."

"Aw, come on, Taichou. You know you wanna."

Hitsugaya frowned at the crystalline waters a moment longer before sighing in defeat. "I guess a couple of laps couldn't hurt," he acquiesced and began to remove his jacket.


	4. Chapter 4

This chapter was written solely for the second part. Everything else is completely pointless. Well, so is the second part, but that's beside the point.

* * *

**Chapter Three**

Never Say Die; Murder is Best Done in Silence

* * *

"Ooh! He really _is_ amazing!"

"He just … keeps going."

"And going."

"And he's so fast. That's just inhuman!"

Matsumoto wanted to burst out laughing, but she managed to limit herself to a large grin. Apparently, the pool they had commandeered was supposed to be used by the swim team today, but they seemed more than willing to simply watch her taichou instead. And he was quite a sight.

Hitsugaya's "couple of laps" had turned into half an hour straight. He had complained about the chlorine at first but quickly got over it as he grew more relaxed. Matsumoto giggled. He had always been at home in the water, and she was glad to see that he was finally taking a break. If only so that he wouldn't take his frustrations out on her.

She looked up, surprised, as he slowed his pace and began wading toward her. When he made it to the edge, she once again had to stifle a laugh. His hair, usually so well done up, was limp and fell in wiry strands into his reddening eyes.

"Just hand me a towel," he huffed, cheeks tinting pink at his fukutaichou's mile-long smirk. "Stupid chlorine…"

"Take mine!" suddenly chimed every girl on the swim team, and Hitsugaya seemed to notice their presence for the first time as their towels were all stuffed into his face.

"Er … Thanks?" he ventured apprehensively, taking the closest one and pulling himself out of the water. The girl whose towel he had accepted seemed to be gloating about it to the others, but he paid it no mind, turning instead to Matsumoto. The Cheshire grin was gone, and it didn't take a genius to see that she was worried about something.

"What?"

"Well … I know it was my idea, but … maybe I didn't think it through as well as I should've…" she frowned. "Do you have a spare pair of boxers?" she finally got to her point, looking down at the sopping undergarments for emphasis.

"Of course, I do," Hitsugaya replied without skipping a beat.

"Eh?"

"Matsumoto, I am not you," the boy taichou replied as he dried himself off. "I have the foresight to be prepared."

"So you were gonna swim whether I talked you into it or not?" the woman whined, sounding genuinely hurt for a reason Hitsugaya could not fathom.

"No, but we are here on a mission. What if a hollow were to appear?"

"Then I'd get out of my gigai."

"And what if you were prevented from doing so?"

"That's a lot of 'what if's, Taichou!"

"None-the-less, here I am, prepared, while you obviously were _not_."

And with that stinging assertion, he picked up his book bag, set down the girl's towel, and headed for the changing room. Matsumoto stuck her tongue out the moment he turned around but still followed him despite her irritation, waiting outside the door and watching the swim team finally start getting into the pool.

That was when she felt it. She couldn't believe it would come so soon, but when her taichou slammed the changing room door wide open, shirt still unbuttoned and tie hanging loosely around his neck, she knew it could be nothing else. The reiatsu they had been sent here to look for was raging right under their noses.

Hitsugaya pulled out his gikongan dispenser and popped the candy into his mouth, Matsumoto following suit. He shouted a few quick instructions to the gigai, telling them to head back to the hotel, before the two shinigami hastily followed the fiery energy signature.

Down from the roof, halfway across campus, through the walls, up a flight of stairs, and-

Hitsugaya stopped dead in his tracks, Matsumoto nearly running into him. She had been about to complain when she too realized where the now fading reiatsu had come from.

Before them stood the wide double doors of the Third Music Room.

"Matsumoto."

"Yes, Taichou."

"This is where we were earlier, isn't it?"

"Yes, Taichou."

"This is where _they_ are, isn't it?"

"Yes, Taichou."

"This mission just became ten times more difficult, didn't it?"

Matsumoto didn't reply. She figured he'd already gotten the picture.

* * *

"C'mon, Taichou!"

"No."

"Oh, for the love of-! You've fought hollows, other shinigami, even arrancar, but now you're going to fall to a couple of overly-zealous teenagers?"

"Your taunts are wasted on me, Matsumoto. I absolutely refuse to get out of bed today, and nothing you can say is going to change that. You're just going to have to deal with this on your own."

"But I can't, Taichou, and you know it!" Matsumoto Rangiku had heard enough; it was time to take action. She flung the covers from the edge of the bed, grabbed Hitsugaya's ankles, and tried to yank him off. "We looked it up last night, remember? It's a club only boys can join! You _have_ to!"

Firmly gripping the headboard, Hitsugaya still refused. "I am taichou of the Tenth Division of the Gotei 13, and I will not demean myself in such a manner!"

"Isn't it a bit late for that?" Matsumoto scowled. "And besides, that's exactly what I mean! How can the rest of Seireitei take you seriously if you can't even do something as small as this?"

Hitsugaya stopped struggling, and Matsumoto was finally able to drag him down to the ground. She squatted down to his eye level just in time to receive her taichou's condemning glare.

"I hate you."

"You're welcome, Taichou."

* * *

"I think I'm gonna need to talk to someone about having this uniform custom tailored. I can barely breathe, it's so tight," Matsumoto whined, cupping her mercifully covered assets in a disturbingly suggestive way as she and her taichou wandered down one of the many hallways of Ouran High.

"Could you please save such comments for when you're in a slightly more isolated area?" Hitsugaya sighed, trying to ignore the many lustful stares floating over his head at his fukutaichou's breasts.

"But it's really uncomfortable, Taichou."

"I'm leaving," he grunted, turning the corner aggravatedly.

"Good luck!"

"…Right."

With another sigh, just for good measure, he opened the door, keeping an eye out for the twins. They weren't here yet. Hitsugaya thanked his lucky stars that at the very least his hell would be equipped with a tiny, electric fan and readied himself for the inevitable.

Taking a deep breath, he marched over to Fujioka Haruhi's desk. "I'm joining your club."

The brown haired girl didn't quite know what to think. "Er … Well, I'm afraid you'll have to talk to Tamaki-senpai about that…" she barely managed, her uncertainty written plainly across her face.

"Which one is he?" Hitsugaya asked, not even looking at her.

"The second year with blonde hair. The one that's always so overdramatic," Haruhi replied, cocking her head at him.

He nodded, obviously recognizing who she meant, and finally turned to look at her. She didn't even realize she had been staring at him until he grumbled a none-too-pleased, "What?"

"Ah!" she shook her head apologetically. "I'm sorry. It's just, you don't really seem like the kind of person who'd enjoy that sort of thing."

The boy huffed, stuffing his hands in his pockets before stalking over to his seat. "I'm not."

Haruhi stared after him, now thoroughly confused. Honestly. How come all these rich people always had so much trouble making sense?


	5. Chapter 5

Finally. That is all.

* * *

**Chapter Four**

Oh Grim Reaper; Quoth Thee Nevermore

* * *

"We're here! We're here!" Matsumoto chanted blissfully as she and her taichou encroached upon the double doors of the Third Music Room.

"Could you at least _pretend_ you're not enjoying yourself while I'm still around?"

"I'm sorry, Taichou! I just can't help myself! I feel like a proud mother seeing her son off to his first day of kindergarten!"

"This situation is nothing like that!" Hitsugaya hastily tried to cut her off before she could say anything worse. It didn't work.

"To think, my taichou's going to be fueling all those pretty, little high school girls' fantasies! Remember to be nice, don't lose your temper, and, most important of all, smile!" She pulled the edges of his mouth up. "Oh, you have to tell me all about it later!"

He yanked her hands away from his face, eyes iced over in barely contained rage. "You're speaking as if you're not coming with me."

"I'm not, Taichou. Remember? I told you needed to talk to someone about customizing this uniform," she explained, not the least bit ashamed as she grabbed her breasts to illustrate. "So you be good, ne?"

It took all of his self-control not to explode as she skipped off in the opposite direction, still cooing about his "first step into manhood" and other maddening nonsense. He continued to seethe in front of the doorway for some time before he was interrupted by a familiar voice.

"Toushirou?" Twitch. "You really came?"

"You didn't believe I was serious?" he replied haughtily, turning to once again face Fujioka Haruhi. She was the sanest one he'd met yet, but he wasn't exactly in the best of moods.

"I thought you might've been joking," she sighed mildly, "but I guess you're not that type of person, are you?"

"No, I'm not."

"Well, I don't really understand, but… Ah!" she suddenly interrupted herself when she saw the time. "They're going to scold me for being late again!"

"Late?" Hitsugaya scoffed as she reached for the door. "Classes only ended fifteen minutes ago. How could you possi-" The doors opened wide, and Hitsugaya's words clogged themselves in the back of his throat.

_"Welcome."_

The other six members of the Host Club were garbed in Elizabethan ruffles and coats, the second year blond standing in front of the rest, under a blazing spotlight. Where the spotlight was coming from, Hitsugaya could only guess. He did not dwell on it as almost as soon as the spotlight had turned on, Suou Tamaki had begun a dramatic, emotional monologue in spotless English.

"'Is this a dagger which I see before me,  
The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.  
I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.  
Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible  
To feeling as to sight? or art thou but  
A dagger of the mind, a false creation,  
Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?'"

"I don't know what you're going on about, but whatever it is, I can assure you, it is indeed your brain that is the problem."

Tamaki's eyes widened, holding his hands out blissfully. "Haruhi!"

"You're late," Kyouya stepped forward, effectively pushing his fellow second year out of the way before he could cause any lasting damage.

"Ah, about that…"

"I'm afraid I was the one who held him up," Hitsugaya intervened. "Fujioka is not at fault."

Ootori Kyouya curtly pushed his glasses up he bridge of his nose. "What are you doing here again?"

"Haruhi…" trailed the Hitachiin twins, both sporting knowing smirks. "Did you bring in another one?"

"I hope he doesn't request us…" Kaoru sighed.

"It would cause such a scandal..." Hikaru drawled, equally as conniving.

"Hardly!" Hitsugaya shouted. "_You two_ are the scandal!"

"Toushirou-kun wants to…" Haruhi began to impatiently explain once again, but she stopped when Hitsugaya lifted his arm in front of her.

By this time, Tamaki had recovered physically and was pouting behind Ootori. Hitsugaya stepped regally forward until he was only a meter in front of the sulking Host Club King. He then proceeded to kneel down on one knee, bowing his head forward.

"I humbly ask that you allow me to become a member of your Host Club."

* * *

Kyouya. "No."

Honey. "But he asked really nicely…."

Hikaru. "That doesn't mean anything. He was yelling at us only a couple of seconds before that."

Kaoru. "No one's ever just _asked_ to join. It feels strange."

Haruhi. "There's no point in arguing. In the end, it's Tamaki-senpai's decision anyway."

The Host Club members all turned to the end of their make-shift conference table, where Tamaki himself was staring down at the ground in a cold sweat.

"So…?" Haruhi prompted.

Tamaki twiddled his thumbs. "Well, he did ask really nicely…."

"You can't be serious," Kyouya groaned. Something about that Hitsugaya just didn't seem right to the second year, and he didn't like that Tamaki was acting so hesitant. When it had come to every other member of the Host Club, Tamaki had made up his mind so quickly that he hadn't even been able to keep up. Now they were working just to get him to come to a decision at all. "Weigh the pros and cons of the situation before spouting off something like that."

"Pros and cons…" Tamaki trailed off before suddenly snapping his fingers in realization. "Yes! That's it! Hikaru! Kaoru!"

The two Hitachiin twins were up and ready in an instant, producing a chart and matching graduation caps from a place Haruhi could only imagine. Kaoru pointed to the top of the chart, which now they could see was a crude rendition of Hitsugaya Toushirou's body.

"Observe his hair and eyes," Kaoru began, his tone miserly. "They are a far cry from the Japanese norm, making them a definite selling point. He is unique."

"However," picked up Hikaru, "while he looks young like Honey-senpai, he has the demeanor and mannerisms of an old man, thereby nulling any positive traits he may have."

Haruhi looked on at the satisfied twins with disdain. "That was obviously biased."

Before either of them could retort, the oh-too-familiar sound of grinding gears filled the music room. The hidden stage began to rise up to ground level, revealing the Host Club's female manager in all of her superiority-complex driven glory.

"Ohohohoho!" she laughed, looking down on the gathered Host Clubbers with an egotistical grin. "That was a nice try, but no boys such as yourselves could possibly begin to understand the fleeting subtleties of a woman's heart! Except for Haruhi, of course. If you are truly considering inviting a new member into the club, then should I, the club's manager, not have a say?"

Kyouya seemed to be the only one capable of coming up with a cognizant answer. "No."

Renge dutifully ignored him, running over to Haruhi and clasping her hands. "You can see, can't you, Haruhi? The vast potential for moe that he carries in those beautiful eyes is astounding! We must have it!"

"What do you mean?" Honey piped up from behind his stuffed rabbit.

"Yes! What do you mean?!" Tamaki burst in, separating the self-proclaimed manager from her self-proclaimed love. "If Haruhi understands, then I must understand as well!"

"Isn't it obvious…?" she wagged her finger at them. "While all of your characters are bright and acknowledging, his is the exact opposite! The loner type! In every game and manga, there is always at least one character who does not conform, refuses to allow the other characters to get too close! He watches them from afar, protecting them from the enemies they didn't even know they had. But everyone knows the reason he does this is because he's simply afraid! Alone all his life, he knows not how to accept the tender touch of a woman and so he tries to push everyone away! Just knowing that his friends are safe is enough for him, even if they are forever out of his reach! Oh, what sort of horrid tragedy has he faced, that the only one who can approach him is that outrageous third year?

"So I'll make it simple!" she concluded in full flourish. "It is the locked up dream of nearly half the female population to break past that cold exterior and see the glorious smile beneath! Including mine!"

"I see, I see!" Tamaki exalted, getting just as worked up as Renge. He ran to the doors and opened them wide to where Hitsugaya was impatiently waiting. He grasped the boy's shoulders firmly, tears spewing from his eyes. "I never knew you had such a difficult life! But I understand now! I have been enlightened by an angel! You have no need to protect from afar any longer! From now on, the Ouran High School Host Club shall be your fellow knights!"

"Oi, oi…" Hitsugaya trailed off, shaking in barely contained indignation. "Don't make things up about other people's lives."

The rest of the club made their way to the door, if only to pry the two apart. Tamaki turned to them, pulling Hitsugaya close as he commanded with fist outstretched. "From this day forth until graduation, Hitsugaya Toushirou shall officially become a member of the Host Club!"

As chaos ensued, Ootori Kyouya sighed miserably. Well, at least a decision had been made. It was Tamaki's club and Tamaki's decision. He still wasn't sure about that Hitsugaya, but…

"Kyouya?" Haruhi trailed off, also having stayed as far away from the crazy idiots as possible. "Are you … smiling?"

The second year's frightening smirk only widened. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Perhaps this could prove beneficial after all.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Incidentally, the passage Tamaki recited is from the play MacBeth by Shakespeare.


End file.
